the games we play

ok, so i'm coming to realize that i am totally and utterly confused with life right now. Well, life may be an exaggerated statement. this whole single lifestyle is sooooo very new to me, even tho i've been single for almost two years. i hadn't really attempted or even considered dating until recently, and i'm sorta kinda enjoying where i am. but damn if this thing ain't frustrating! i've never dated before, and even though there's supposed to be freedom in it, there are so many unspoken rules! i don't even know how, really. flirting is foreign to me, and so is the receipt of it...such a novice i am. i also think that my image or personality automatically puts me in a certain category and any variation of that makes me a bad person. i've always been in relationships. however, i am toying with the idea of talking to several people...however everyone i meet and am attracted to, is tied to someone that i know and am attracted to, lol, but can't be with for some reason or another. so, because of affiliation i can't fuck with them....and i know the rules, i know! but that doesn't prevent it from sucking ass.
another thing: this whole sex thing. i've never done the casual sex thing, and i don't intend to start coz the whole aids/std thing scares me shitless. but can a sista get a LITTLE play and not be made to feel like a whore? i mean, a little tlc ain't never hurt nobody...
i always knew that i was a pretty sexual person. but now i know for a fact that i am a highly sexual person, and that this 'drought' is really starting to wear on me. i mean, i've gone cold fucking turkey. i can't remember the last time i KISSED someone, let alone was intimate. and the last time wasn't that great :-( is that too personal? maybe, but it's there and i'm trying to deal with it. maybe i'm giving it too much power...who knows? but as much as i try to focus on other shit, it just keeps coming back. does that make me a freak? that seems soooo abnormal for a female i guess. but then again, what is 'normal'? i mean, i guess i could ignore it, but what good would that do? i need to step up my toy game, lol. it's time to go to sleep coz i'm rambling. g'nite thoughts.

new beginning

Ok, this online journal is going to be the real deal...totally unedited. the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Well, that's what I want it to be, lol. That, of course, means that access will have to be ultra restricted, but such is life...for the edited posts, check out my Xanga spot :-).
WARNING: These posts are for mature audiences only. All haters, gossipers and otherwise simple-minded people, please stop reading now.